This past Saturday we celebrated the 11th birthday of our beloved Beta Boy. We also, as we often do when we speak of the day he was born, observed the anniversary of “The Day We Realized Kids Can Totally Screw Up Your Plans”. Poor Beta Boy, constantly reminded that he was not our top priority on that cold January day so many years ago. I had no intention of having a baby THAT DAY. THAT DAY I was going to see Titanic. Beta Boy was not due to arrive for another week, and I hate it when people drop in unexpectedly. But there I was, awake at 5am, with a nagging tug at my midsection. I got out of bed and showered, working to convince myself that I was not, in fact, in the early stages of labor. Hunger pains, perhaps. Nothing that some Whoppers and a giant popcorn won’t fix. Yessiree, I thought, I’ll get myself some tasty snacks when I go to the MOVIE. TODAY.
Hmmmm, maybe a pulled muscle. Boy, all the strain of the extra weight is pulling on me. I can’t wait to have this baby NEXT WEEK. Maybe I can bring a little pillow with me when I go to the MOVIE. TODAY.
Maybe it’s gas. Good thing Beta Dad is still asleep. I think if he never has to hear the words “gassy” “heartburn” and “I don’t remember eating that?!” again he’ll be very happy. He, too, must be very relieved that we’re having this baby NEXT WEEK. I should probably bring Tums to the MOVIE. TODAY. To help with all those delicious MOVIE snacks I’m going to eat. TODAY.
It was clearly time for our first mother-child talk. “Look kid, I don’t know what’s going on in there, but it seems to me you’re getting a little big for your britches and are thinking about coming out today without asking permission first. This is what grown-ups call “unacceptable”. That’s a very big word that means “no f*@#ing way”. Mommy has very big plans today. She is going to a movie. That’s when pretty people act out dramatic and exciting things on a giant screen, and mommy pretends that she is not as big as the boat in the movie and that, like Kate Winslet, she is wearing beautiful gowns instead of her Winnie the Pooh sweatpants. She also dreams that Leonardo DiCaprio will come take her away from the sleepless nights and swollen ankles and will love her despite her 10, no wait, there’s 11, stretch marks. Mommy REALLY needs to go to the movies today, so be a good baby and stay in your womb nice and quite for me. If you can do that for mommy, I will get you Chinese food and ice cream later, okay?”
Eventually I woke Beta Dad with the fateful words, “I don’t think we’re going to see Titanic today” and 12 hours later the magnificent Beta Boy made his grand entrance, smug in the knowledge that he was now in charge of our lives.
We did eventually see Titanic. It was, in fact, our first date away from Beta Boy. I’m still working on the words to describe the experience of leaving your newborn child for the first time to go see quite possibly the longest, most melodramatic movie of all time. Let’s just say there were hysterical tears and a LOT of nursing pads involved.
In the meantime, Happy Birthday Beta Boy – you were totally worth missing the movie.
But you still owe me a box of Whoppers.